This post outlines 21 things that dads should do during labor. From taking care of the “stuff” to offering massage during labor, this is 21 ways that dads can be helpful and supportive during labor and childbirth.
Dads have several important jobs during labor and childbirth! But the problem is that so many dads don’t know what to do during labor and birth.
I work as a labor nurse, so I often see dads struggle with what their role is.
There seems to be a spectrum of what dads think their role is. Some dads are too much in the mom’s face, while others are totally distant and completely unsupportive.
Whether your support person is the baby’s dad, your wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, parent, friend, or family member, these tips will be useful. You may also like my post on how to be helpful during labor.
These helpful tips for dads during labor are a good place to start. These are 20 things dads should do and what dads shouldn’t do during labor and birth.
20+ Helpful Tips for Dads During Labor
- Take care of the “stuff” (the go bags, the keys, wallets, etc.)
It may be helpful beforehand to make a list of all the things you need before you leave for the hospital or birthing center! Make it your job to get everything together.
You’ll need your IDs, insurance information, and hospital bag, for starters. But also keep in mind you’ll need the car seat ready, baby’s clothes, and accommodations for your other children or animals.
This shouldn’t be mom’s concern when she’s going into labor. Remember, she’s not only experiencing pain! She’s also going to be in a different mindset flooded with anxiety, excitement, and possibly fear. It’s not fair to expect her to also be sharp minded enough to plan for the hospital stay.
- Be respectful of her wishes
Does she want to labor naturally? Or does she want an epidural? Does she want the room dark and quiet, or are lights and distractions welcome?
It’s not your job to decide what she wants or needs. It’s your job to respect her choices and help her achieve whatever labor goals she has!
- Remain positive
Labor can be very overwhelming at times! Especially if things aren’t going smoothly or according to plan.
It is dad’s job during labor to remain optimistic (but also realistic). If she’s upset because of X, Y, or Z, validate how she’s feeling but keep a positive attitude.
Remember: a healthy mom and healthy baby are the biggest goals of delivery.
- Be her advocate
Did she very clearly state she does not want something done during labor, but it seems to be happening anyways?
Do you feel that the staff is taking the best care of her possible?
Your job as dad during labor is also to be her advocate. If you notice something seems off, it is your responsibility to ask questions and be her voice. She may be too distracted by the pain of labor to notice herself!
You can advocate for her by asking to speak to her attending physician or midwife, her nurse, or someone in charge.
It is always within your rights to ask about alternative interventions, why something is being done, the risks of different procedures, or for further clarification of something.
I recommend being calm and assertive with your concerns. Screaming, yelling, or accusing is never a good tone to take with medical staff.
As a labor nurse, I’ve seen dads come to the desk screaming and yelling about something they didn’t like. Typically, security is called to protect staff from a possible threat. So now your concerns aren’t going to be addressed until security diffuses the situation, and you have scared the staff.
It is way more effective to say, “I’d like to have a meeting with the doctor and nurse. I am concerned about xyz.”
- Be a calm presence
This goes off my point above! Try not to get worked up over things.
Listen, it can be really stressful to watch your loved one in pain, especially if they seem like they are suffering.
Try to be a calming presence in the room to help keep her anxiety low.
- Ask questions
If you don’t understand something, you should definitely feel comfortable asking questions.
And if you don’t understand, it’s possible your partner doesn’t either. It’s your right to know what’s going on!
- Know your role
Your role as the dad during labor is to support, motivate, and be there for her!
Don’t make it about you. If you are uncomfortable, hungry, thirsty, etc. you can quietly take care of yourself. It’s very frustrating when dads expect moms to care for them during labor.
- Offer her water and/or ice chips
Be ready with the water and ice chips! Labor is a lot of hard work, and she’ll likely work up a thirst. Help keep her energy up by reminding her to take sips of water or an ice chip.
- Monitor the temperature of the room
Sometimes women get very hot or cold during labor. If she complains that she’s hot, ask to have the room cooled, and vice versa. A cool cloth on her neck or forehead may be a welcome comfort, too.
Try to keep her comfortable in ways you can control.
- Be supportive
Cheer her on! Women often need a cheerleader during their labor. Tell her how awesome she is and how great she’s doing. Support her in any way she needs.
On the contrary, if she asks you to stop talking, all you need to do is just be there. Some women are distracted or annoyed by talking, so just providing quiet support may be enough.
- Blot her head with a cool cloth
There is nothing more refreshing than a cool, wet cloth to the forehead. Especially when she’s pushing!
First time moms push for 1-2 hours on average. Blotting her head with a cool washcloth can help keep her feeling refreshed and cool.
- Stay present
I see so many dads try to occupy themselves with video games, phone calls, TV, or games during labor.
Stay in the moment with your wife or partner! Labor can be long and tedious, so she needs a lot of support. Ignore your own boredom and try to be there for her instead.
- Offer her a back rub
Early labor can cause a lot of back pain. Back pain is also common when the baby is laying in a funny position where their head is hitting her tailbone.
Rubbing her back and hips is often a welcome distraction or way to relieve pain in labor.
- Cheer her on
Labor affirmations are a great way to motivate her! Constant reassurance is often welcome during labor (unless she tells you she wants you to be quiet! In that case, refer back to number 2.)
My Birth Prep Bundle is loaded with labor affirmations that may be very helpful! It’s completely free, and you can grab your copy here.
- Take care of nosy family members (discuss beforehand who you’d like to be informed and when)
It’s important to discuss before labor who you’d like to be updated throughout, and what you’d like them to know.
If people know you’re in labor, they are going to text and call constantly for updates! Some may even wait in the lobby or parking lot until they are able to come.
It may be a smart idea to designate someone on the “outside” to share the updates. For example, if you text your mom updates, have her pass the message along to other approved family or friends.
This way the focus can stay on mom and baby, and away from the distraction of text messages and phone calls.
- Keep her calm and motivated
There is a lot of anxiety that can come with labor, especially towards the end!
I always know I am in the transition phase of labor when I start to have thoughts of defeat and I feel overwhelmed with panic.
Stay by her side, and reassure her that she is doing great. Offer her ice chips, a hand to hold, and constant motivation.
- Take care of yourself
If you have to eat, drink, use the bathroom, etc, you can do so quietly. Ask the nurse if it would be a good time to step away for a few minutes so you can quietly take care of you.
Don’t let yourself get so tired, hungry, thirsty, or uncomfortable that you can’t be a good support person.
- Be available to her
Whatever she needs, be there for her!
Try not to get distracted by your phone, the TV, or other things. Just make yourself available and your job known.
Frequently stepping away for phone calls, snacks, etc. could make her nervous, especially if she feels that labor is progressing quickly.
Instead, try to bundle your outings. For example, while you’re walking to go to the bathroom, call your family to give a quick update. Grab a snack and drink from the vending machine on your walk back so that all of your “things” are done in one trip out of the room.
Constantly leaving and coming back could make her feel uneasy.
- Remind her to move or change positions
Changing positions frequently during labor can be very helpful to alleviate pain. It’s also one of my best tips to speed up labor!
It can be tempting to tense up in the bed, but I can tell you from personal experience that the days after birth her body will be even more sore and tired!
With my second labor, I spent a good amount of time side lying while holding onto the side rails of the bed. Though my supporters kept telling me to relax my shoulders and my grip on the rails, I was too tense to listen.
The days following my delivery, I felt like I had competed in a weightlifting competition. My shoulders, arms and neck were extremely sore. It would have been much better if I had changed positions to place tension on other parts of my body.
If she has an epidural, it is still important to move! Changing from side to side, sitting, laying, and even just tilting the hips can help with labor progress. Also, she may find she is sore after delivery as well, since she likely couldn’t feel if she was laying in one spot too long.
- Control the mood of the room
Creating a safe space for the laboring woman is extremely important.
Keep the lights dim, the music soft, and voices low. Be a calm and gentle presence for her!
- Keep track of any “extras”
Do you want footprints in a baby book? Does she want a photo immediately after birth? Are you planning to do cord blood banking?
Make it your job to remember all those “odds and ends.” Create a list beforehand so that nothing gets missed!
Have you experienced labor before? What other tips and advice do you have for dads during labor and birth?
Share this post with your support person, and pass it along to other dads-to-be!
The partners need to be around there birthing mama in all time and they should touch her every time she has an contractions either holding her hand or shoulders and legs and tell her that you love her and ur right there with her and ur leavening her and the baby
Great advice!